loathe
by day dreaming dreamer
Summary: "Rey pretends she sees caramel eyes flecked with gold rather than obsidian eyes matched with a confrontational smirk."


**_Loathe:_**

 ** _"There's always been a thin line between love and hate."_**

* * *

Rey catches the coy glances that General Organa always sends her. She sees the meaningful eyebrow raise, and the way her eyes flicker back and forth between her and her companion. She's known to Rey as Leia now. The general had insisted upon it after their return back to the base. This doesn't bother Rey, not in the slightest. In fact, she's like her mother now.

Leia brews her tea to settle her nerves of steel, and reasons her rapidly growing fears with logic and tranquility. They've gotten close, and Rey can feel glimpses of her force with her own. It makes them connected. They feel what the another feels now, or at least the brink of their emotions. Leia's better at guarding what she feels to Rey—specifically when she's brutally lost or desperate or afraid—while Rey's emotions are raw and _everywhere_. Leia always knows the perfect time to enter her quarters with a warm cup of Earl Grey, or when she commands Rey to take a break after she slashed a magnitude of dummies down with her saber. They've known each other for months now, and their connection only serves to make Leia know Rey like the back of her hand.

Leia's been mentioning love quite often, as of late. It's not unsettling to Rey in the beginning. Rey knows that Leia misses Han Solo. That his death impacted her in ways that no one could ever understand. That the love of her life killed the love her life. Even Rey's not certain how a mother gets over the death of her lover and son. Because as far as Rey's concerned, Ben was dead from the moment he plunged his light saber into his father.

(But that doesn't stop her from thinking about him)

So she lets Leia prattle on about love and youth. Rey knows. She gets it. Rey misses Han herself. He had always been there for her whenever she needed guidance, or whenever they both needed to find relief in the safe haven of solitude.

Love. Leia utters the word more and more often. At the beginning, after Rey had bared the news of Han's demise, Leia rarely spoke of him. Any mentioning's of him had been silenced with an unruly glower and a clipped tone. The very memory of him had appeared to rip her apart at the seams. Now, she's talking about him more than ever. While they're sipping their tea. While they're having late night conversations about the war, and the little empty spaces that fall in between each calamity. When they're talking over battle preparations, Leia always manages to squeeze in a particular moment.

The answer becomes clear to Rey when they're drinking their tea. It's a usual afternoon. Rey is sweaty and hasn't eaten for a few days. Leia coaxes her into tea and a few sandwiches. On Jakku, food was scarce. As a result, Rey hardly notices when a few days slip past where she hasn't eaten a single bite. A habit, Leia often remarked, she has to break.

(Rey also hasn't slept in days, but she doesn't mention that it's not the result of insomnia, but of coal eyes that burn into her very soul)

Rey chews on her sandwich thoughtfully. It tastes dry on her tongue, but she forces herself to swallow.

"We always argued," Leia says, setting down her tea cup. The warm aroma of the scent is intoxicating, and Rey inhales it in. Leia had been right all those days ago. It _does_ settle unnecessary stresses.

"Really?" Rey questions, oddly surprised. Han, yes. Leia, not so much. The woman always appeared level headed and calm.

Leia brushes a strand of silvery hair from her face, smiling fondly. "Always. Every day. Sometimes over stupid things. Sometimes over big things. He would leave for days, weeks, and months at a time."

Rey forces a smile to her lips. "That sounds taxing."

Love. She's talking about it again, and Rey's heart seemingly shudders.

Raven hair.

Swirls of dark tendrils, grasping at her light.

Rey's attention snaps back to Leia. She tells herself she's being silly. Leia couldn't possibly know. No one did but Rey herself, and somehow that made it entirely worse.

"Oh, believe me, it was. He only came back when he was certain I had missed him to tears." She let out a disbelieving huff, finishing her tea. The metal rattled as she set her cup back on the coaster. "But he always came back because he loved me, and I loved him." There's a sharp sadness in her eyes, and Rey frowns, unsure of what to do. Her force engulfs Rey with bitter sweetness, just close enough for her to taste happiness and remorse. Then Rey's abruptly pried away from it. Rey feels rather abashed, even though it's something she can't yet control. Leia doesn't remark on Rey's intrusion, and instead reaches for her tea glass.

"Love. Ah, to be young." Another sip of her tea. "Don't think I haven't seen it in you, dear."

"Huh?"

"You're in love. I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it with your force."

Rey's stammering now. The tea burns her tongue, and she almost tastes blood. That would be preferable to the panic rushing through her body. She can't control her force like Leia does. She can only surge her emotions onward, and it makes her feel vulnerable. Too open. As if anyone could read her mind with a parting glance. There's dread now. Dread and panic.

"It's Finn, isn't it? I see the way you two look at each other."

Rey's mortified. Finn's her best friend. Her partner.

But she can't deny it.

Cooling relief is released onto her body. Let her think it's Finn. It would be better for everyone if that's who Rey ends up with. He's sweet. Kind. Pure. Light fills him to the very brim. There's nothing stopping him, and nothing stopping her.

She wants to confide in someone, in anyone, but Rey can't.

Even she's not certain to her own feelings.

She swallows her pride. She nods. She utters replies of their relationship. She lies. She says she sees caramel colored eyes flecked with gold instead of obsidian ones. She claims she sees a blinding smile rather than a jagged scar matched with a confrontational smirk. She speaks of Finn's charming personality when all she wants to do is cry over a broken man.

She talks about Finn enthusiastically, forcing a smile to her lips.

She knows Leia feels her pain.

Her agony.

Rey can tell from the confused frown on her face. No love that pure should cause so much pain.

"Why are you in such heartbreak, child?" Rey can feel Leia's confusion. She simply shakes her head, smiling the largest smile she could muster. Leia frowns at her attempt. "Does he not feel the same way?"

Rey bites down hard on her tongue. If only that were the problem. Rey's not sure exactly how Finn feels, but she knows how _he_ feels.

She senses him often, in the most inconvenient moments. During training with Luke. While eating. Especially and always while sleeping. When their minds are on the brink of unconsciousness and open and plenty with things to share. Things that they wouldn't while awake. His force stretches to her, and she can feel his fear. It threatens to overwhelm her very sanity. Every day, she feels him. Every day, he feels her. Worst of all, she lets him occasionally inside her head. Just to spite him, if only a little. She lets him know how much she hurts, how she's hungry for something that never can be fulfilled, and how much she hates him for it. He sends back a strong reply, short and hot, but Rey feels his longing and desperation for her. She knows how much he wants genuine love in the sea of his loneliness and manipulation. She wants that, too. Rey wants him to go back to the light because there's light inside of him, barely. So she can finally touch him without self hate. So she can finally kiss him and stop feeling so ashamed. She felt the light the first time she met him, but after Han, she almost never feels it.

But it's there. Whenever he thinks of her, she knows. Whenever he thinks about his family, she knows. She can feel his regret. His anger. His hurt. Rey shrugs at Leia's question. She can't love a hollow man. She refuses to love a monster.

(But she doesn't believe that, either)

He's just a sad, misguided boy who got lost within himself.

So Rey loves Ben.

Not Kylo Ren, but Ben Solo.

That's her compromise. She loves the sliver of light that remains within him.

She loves him, and then she loathes herself for it.

* * *

 **A/N: I just saw the new Star Wars three days ago. Wow. WOW. I think I'm becoming star wars trash once more. Especially for Kylo Ren.**

 **I was just sitting there in the theater. 'This is such a good movie. Finn and Rey would make a good couple. I ship them.' Kylo Ren takes off his mask, and then it's REYLO THIS AND REYLO THAT AND SHUT UP MOM THEY'RE NOT RELATED I SWEAR. (Even if they are, that's what AUs are for *wiggles eyebrows*) But seriously. I'm never going to get enough of this two. I've already edited two vids of them on Youtube, which you should go watch. *hint, hint* PM me if you're interested!**

 **Reviews make me happy!**


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